


Perfect Again

by fancyasscheeseballs (girlattherockshow)



Series: An Unlikely Love: Rafael & Anna [5]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: And our OC is insecure, F/M, Fluff, In which Rafael Barba is a good boyfriend, Love, Sometimes Barba can be an actual human, Sweet nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlattherockshow/pseuds/fancyasscheeseballs
Summary: Anna gets her grades back from her first semester of law school, and although Rafael couldn't be prouder, she feels differently. Rollins sees something beyond what Anna does, though, and helps Anna talk to Rafael about her insecurities.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Original Character(s), Rafael Barba/Original Female Character(s)
Series: An Unlikely Love: Rafael & Anna [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597711
Kudos: 18





	Perfect Again

**Author's Note:**

> Song: "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin (or Carole King's version if you prefer). I highly recommend watching the Kennedy Center video of this song - it's UNBELIEVABLE.

“So, I’m guessing I won’t be seeing you for a few weeks?” Rafael stirred the salsa that was simmering on the stove as Anna sat on the other side of the breakfast bar, hunched over a book.

She barely looked up. “Maybe.”

He smiled. “Well, your exams are coming up, aren’t they?”

“Mmhmm,” she mumbled absently.

“I guess I’m going to have to hang out with Carisi to fill the time.”

She turned the page. “Fine by me.”

He was entertained by this little game. “And then I’ll do a striptease across the squad room.”

“That’s good.” Then, as if she had snapped out of a trance, her head jerked up. “Wait—what did you say?”

He laughed and checked the beans, which were almost ready to mash. “I see how it is. You ignore me until you hear the word striptease. _Then_ I have your attention.”

She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “I’m sorry. I was just—”

He smirked. “More interested in the Rule Against Perpetuities than in me?” He walked around the counter to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “It’s okay. It has that mysterious and sexy vibe.” He pulled her sweatshirt—well, actually, _his_ sweatshirt—aside and nuzzled against her neck.

“You keep doing that and it won’t get any less mysterious to me,” she whimpered, reaching her hand up and around her head to caress the back of his head. “Or I’ll just get turned on in the middle of the exam.”

“Nobody understands that rule.” He gave her a quick nip on her earlobe but released her from his grip and went back to the food. “In some states, you can’t actually be sued for using it wrong.”

“I wish that applied to civil procedure, too. I will never understand Pennoyer.”

He cracked two eggs into a skillet that had once held tortillas. “More stuff you will never use. I do, however, expect you to get a perfect score on your criminal law exam.”

“What happens if I disappoint you?”

He glanced up at her and saw that her face had fallen just slightly. Despite her notoriously great poker face, the longer he was with her, the more he was able to read her micro expressions. “ _Mi corazón,_ I was kidding.” He tilted the pan to redistribute the oil and then went back to the beans. “You could never disappoint me.”

She sighed. “I’m worried I’m going to disappoint myself.”

“How?”

“I worked really hard to get into school. And I’ve worked really hard all semester to keep up with the work. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“ _Si, pero_ you’ve come this far. Exams are just regurgitation of what you’ve been discussing all semester,” he replied. “I promise, the hard stuff is what you do in class. And if it makes you feel any better, how you do in law school—or even on the bar exam—doesn’t tell you how you’ll be as a lawyer.”

She brightened a bit. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, look at Carisi—”

“Raf, you know that’s not nice!” she scolded. “Sonny is a perfectly fine attorney.”

He finished plating their dinner. “Sorry. I’m just saying that some of the best attorneys I know were only average in school. It doesn’t mean anything.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? And how did _you_ do in law school?” It was a rhetorical question. She knew perfectly well how he’d done.

He pushed a plate across the counter from her and sat down next to her with his own. This was where they usually ate together; the dining room table had _other_ uses. “Don’t compare yourself with me, Anna. Don’t compare yourself with anyone. You deserve to be a lawyer more than anyone else I know. And I will be as proud of you the day you take that oath as I am right now just for working as hard as you are.”

“Are you sure you won’t be disappointed if I—”

He set his fork down and took her hands in his. “The only way you could disappoint me, Anna, is if you’re so worried about the lawyer you’ll be that you forget about being the woman you are.”

She dipped her head for a second and then kissed him. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.” She took a bite of the huevos rancheros he had prepared and sighed. “Jesus, this is delicious. Is there anything you’re _not_ good at?”

He thought for a second. “Stripping?”

When she threw her head back and laughed, he knew he had broken through the wall of negligence and consideration, theories and rules. After her shower, he caught her singing along to Disney soundtracks in the bedroom as she blow-dried her hair. When she saw him watching her, she motioned for him to join her one-woman concert, creating the perfect harmony. And for the rest of the night, Anna was _his_ Anna again, and there was no way he could ever be disappointed with that.

* * *

The day grades were posted on the school’s intranet, Anna had to wait all day to check them because she wanted Rafael to be with her when she did. And of course, that had to be the day he got home late; a trial had run over and then he had to meet with the squad regarding a new case that had just come in. By the time he arrived at her apartment, she was clawing the walls. When they finally sat down to look, she couldn’t do it—she made him open up the website and look for her while she paced between the couch and her kitchen counter.

“Well?” she asked, impatiently.

His face betrayed nothing. He took a deep breath and looked up at her from behind her laptop screen. “Do you want the bad news or the good news first?”

Her heart fell into her stomach. This was torture. She prepared to hear that she had done poorly enough that she wouldn’t be able to return for the next semester. “Just get the bad news over with, I guess.”

“Well,” he continued, “you’re probably going to want to get _very_ drunk.”

“Oh God,” she said, walking to her liquor cabinet. “Do I want wine or scotch?”

His face started to twitch. “Don’t you want the good news?”

She turned back. “Oh. Well, I guess that couldn’t hurt. What’s the good news?”

He stood up. “The good news is that you’re going to want to get very drunk celebrating with a bunch of people, because, _mi corazón_ , your GPA is a 3.0.”

Her ears filled with the sound of her own heartbeat. She wasn’t even sure she had heard him correctly. “I’m sorry, did you say—”

A wide grin stretched across his face. “I did!” He threw his arms around her waist and spun her around. “You did _so_ well, Anna! I’m so proud of you.”

But her face was not what he had expected it would be. She didn’t look as happy as he thought she would have. Although she was smiling, it wasn’t the genuine smile he loved so much. She pulled herself out of his arms and sat on the couch to examine the grades more closely. She had an A in criminal law—no surprise there—and another in torts. But civil procedure and property had been her downfall: she’d only managed to pull C’s in those two classes. Her eyebrows pinched together. _What happened?_ she wondered.

Rafael, however, seemed thrilled with her work, and she didn’t want to dampen his mood with her own. She would have plenty of time to analyze what had gone wrong when she was alone. So she put on the happiest face she could muster and stood up to face him again.

“Thank you, honey,” she said. “I appreciate how supportive you’ve been all this time.”

He smiled at her and tilted his head. “Are you all right? You seem a bit—”

“Oh, no, I’m fine!” she said, a little too emphatically. “It’s just kind of one of those adrenaline things. You know, anticipation and then…”

He squinted at her just a bit and took her hands. “I love you. We should go celebrate.”

She shook her head. “Oh, Raf, I’m not—I mean, it’s late, and I’m kind of tired. Stressful day, you know? Can we just—”

“Chinese?” he offered. “You may even be able to convince me to watch the new version of Beauty and the Beast.”

“Sure.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

She kissed him on the cheek. “I’m _fine_ , Raf. Really.” Then she went into the kitchen to find the menu for their favorite Chinese place down the street, leaving a trail of lies in her wake.

* * *

A week later, just before Christmas, Rafael had a surprise for Anna. Between his work schedule and a two-day migraine she’d had, they hadn’t had time to celebrate properly. Getting the squad together was like herding cats, but he had managed to do it. He organized a small get-together at Forlini’s with them, plus a couple of Anna’s friends, to celebrate the successful end of Anna’s first semester of law school. The night of the party, he arranged for the two of them to Uber from his apartment to the restaurant, as if it were just another date night. Anna didn’t ask too many questions, although she was surprised that he suggested Forlini’s, as it was where he usually went to drown his sorrows after a tough loss.

“I’d like to start associating this place with good things,” he said to her as they exited the car.

“Gotcha. I’m kind of excited to go here, to be honest. Maybe I’ll start feeling like I might actually become a lawyer someday.”

Over the last week, Anna had made a few offhanded comments like that, and it concerned him slightly. Ever since grades came out, she hadn’t quite been herself. He assumed it was the migraine and also the post-exam comedown, but something seemed a bit off. He tried to put the thought out of his mind; he wanted tonight to be all about her and her success. After all, they had celebrated enough of his victories.

“Surprise!”

To Anna’s utter and complete shock, she entered the main dining room to find Olivia, Fin, Sonny, Amanda, and three of her friends gathered around a long table, cheering and shouting congratulations. She had no idea how to react at first—she hadn’t been expecting this at all.

“Holy sh—what are you all—”

Sonny came around the table to high-five her. “Rafael thought it would be a good idea to celebrate. He said you did really great your first semester!”

“Yeah, a 3.0? That’s better than I ever did, even in high school,” Fin added.

“No shock there,” Amanda said, elbowing him playfully. He gave her a faux glare.

As everyone else around the table offered their congratulations, Anna was aghast. She had no idea how to react to this. She knew that everyone gathered around this table was there to celebrate her, and that they all genuinely believed she’d done well. But all week, she had been turning the semester over in her head, trying to figure out how she had done so poorly in civ pro and property, and how she could have done better in her other classes. As soon as she got back to school, she planned to ask for copies of her essays, after which she would spend a great deal of time reviewing them and making notes on what she had missed. For now, though, she didn’t want to disappoint all these people who had made time out of their busy schedules to come together on her account. So she plastered a smile on her face and thanked each of them individually before they all sat down to dinner.

All through dinner, Rafael barely stopped touching her. He would squeeze her leg under the table or hold her hand while they waited for their next course. They made small talk with her friends, who would later tell Anna that they couldn’t believe he was as old as he was because he was so handsome, and, of course, they asked all about how she was liking law school. She gave the appropriate answers, told them what she knew they wanted to hear. After a while, though, she knew her façade was starting to falter, so she excused herself to the bar to get another glass of wine.

“I’ll go with you,” Amanda said, signaling to her empty glass. “If I’m paying a sitter, I might as well live it up.” While they were waiting for their drinks, Amanda glanced backward at the table. Rafael was sitting at the end of the table facing the bar, and although there was conversation going on all around him, his eyes were focused on Anna. He was clearly trying to be subtle; his eyes occasionally darted back to someone else’s face, and he would take a sip of his scotch. But inevitably, his bright green gaze would land back on his girlfriend, like he was worried that if he looked away too long, she would disappear. “He stares at you every time you look away,” she finally said.

“Excuse me?”

Amanda smiled and leaned toward Anna, lowering her voice conspiratorially. “If you looked over your shoulder right now, you’d see it. He’s so proud of you. And Barba is never proud of anyone. He barely said congratulations to Carisi when he passed the damn bar exam.”

“I don’t know why,” Anna said sadly.

“Because he thinks Carisi is enough of a puppy dog and doesn’t need any more encouragement.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I don’t know why he’s proud of me. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped.”

Amanda played with her empty glass. “A 3.0 is pretty damn good if you ask me.”

“I’m dating Rafael Magna-Cum-Laude-At-Harvard-Law-School Barba,” Anna said. “The guy who started as a poor kid in the Bronx and moved up to be—well, look at him.” She gestured to Rafael, in his three-piece suit, now debating the latest gun control measure in the state legislature with Sonny. “How the hell do I live up to _that_?”

Amanda set her glass on the counter. “Does he make you feel like you have to live up to something? Because that’s not what that stare says to me.”

Anna didn’t say anything for a long while, and then she looked at the usually cynical blonde. “So, detective, what _does_ that stare say to you, then?”

“Look, I’m no romantic,” Amanda began, “but I’ve known Barba for years now, and I can tell you right now that I have never seen him look at _anyone_ the way he looks at you—especially when he knows you’re not looking. It’s like a compulsion or something.”

Anna felt a flush wash over her skin. Suddenly, she was very aware of the pair of eyes on her from across the room. It wasn’t creepy; on the contrary, he looked at her the way she always hoped someone would look at her. But she still couldn’t shake the idea that she hadn’t earned that look, that she had somehow failed to live up to what Rafael Barba deserved in a partner.

Just then, their drinks appeared on the bar. “Thank you, Amanda,” she said, bracing herself for round two.

“No problem. And for what it’s worth? Carisi only got a 2.9 his first semester.”

* * *

“Did you have fun?” Rafael asked as he shut her apartment door behind them.

Anna stepped out of her painfully high heels, suddenly becoming shorter than him again. “Yeah. I’m just surprised you were able to get everyone together!”

He loosened his tie. “It wasn’t easy, believe me. Not that they didn’t want to come, but, you know, kids, grandkids, that kind of thing. You should be very aware of how much they care about you.”

“You mean how much they care about you,” she muttered, heading to the kitchen for a glass of water.

“What does that mean?”

“What are you, a bat?”

“Don’t deflect. What’s wrong, Anna? Something’s been off all week, and I can’t figure out what. Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. “That’s the problem.”

“Well, now I’m _very_ confused.” He took her by the hand and led her into the living room, pulling her onto the couch with him. “Sit. Breathe. Explain.”

She sighed deeply. “It’s not easy being your girlfriend sometimes, you know.”

He laughed a little. “I could have told you that months ago. In fact, I think I _did_ tell you that.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s not—it’s not that you’re doing something wrong. You’re easy to be with, actually—a lot easier than you think you are.”

“That’s an argument for another day. What’s not easy, then?”

She tried to look away, but he turned her head back gently. “Do you remember when we were just barely together, and you asked me why I chose you?”

He nodded. “That was the first time you said you loved me. How could I forget that?”

She gave him a sad smile. “Well, as easy as it seemed for me to say that, it wasn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” she replied, “I had the same question for you.”

It was his turn to be aghast. His eyes widened and he took her hands in his. “Why in the world would you have to question that? If anyone should be insecure, it’s me. But I know you love me. So why do you doubt that I love you?”

“It’s not that I doubt that you love me, Raf. It’s that I don’t know why. And last week just made it worse.”

His brow furrowed in confusion. “What happened last week that would make you wonder—” He stopped. “Oh, _Amor,_ you don’t mean your grades.”

A tear fell from her eye and she tore one of her hands away from his to wipe it away. “I told you I was afraid of disappointing you, and myself. My grades were—well—not what I expected.”

“ _Mi amor,_ it is _so_ common for your first semester of law school to be imperfect. And you did remarkably well, _especially_ considering you also have a job.”

“ _You_ did remarkably well. I’m just…average. And when I look at you, when I see you in court, when you sit there and debate gun control with Sonny, it becomes all the more apparent to me that you could do so much better, and—”

“Anna, listen to me. There is nothing better than you. I could look for it and I wouldn’t find it because it doesn’t exist. You could work at McDonald’s for all I care. You are not your career. I know I make it seem like that’s a lifestyle, but if you haven’t noticed, I’m not the most well-adjusted person.” He gave her a small smile, trying to make her laugh, but she didn’t.

“I just wanted to make you proud of me.”

“I’m proud of you every day. Why do you think I can’t stop touching you when we’re out? It’s not that I’m trying to tell the world that you’re _mine_.”

She wiped another tear away. “No? Then what is it?”

“It’s that I want everyone to know that I’m _yours_ ,” he said. “I want people to know that _you_ chose _me_. I told you, Anna. The only way you could ever disappoint me is by forgetting who you are in favor of what you’re becoming. And you shouldn’t be disappointed in yourself, either. What you’ve accomplished in the last two years is nothing short of amazing, and if I have to tell you that every day, I will, until you believe me.”

She looked up into his now-watery eyes, and in that moment, she was so grateful for having a partner who was just that—her _partner_. He never made her feel silly for having feelings or that she had to be something more than what she was. And then she thought about what Amanda had said about him staring at her, and suddenly she realized that her insecurity wasn’t coming from him. It was only coming from inside her head.

To his great relief, she finally broke into a smile. “You know what really would make me feel better?”

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Seeing if you really _are_ good at stripping.”


End file.
